16Canon: Aggressive. Decisive. Quick-witted. All of these are words that absolutely can not be used to describe Stacy Rowe, the secretary of Lawndale High’s Fashion Club, a quartet of shallow, superficial girls who are, as the club’s name suggests, obsessed with fashion. No, Stacy is your standard-issue all-purpose doormat, completely focused on being accepted and liked by her peers, which comes at the cost of not developing any useful skills or signs of individuality whatsoever. Worse yet, when it comes to her own self-image Stacy is deeply insecure and blames herself for anything and everything that goes wrong.
Stacy tends to live vicariously through her friends, who are all far more self-confident than she is, and has a sycophantic tendency to agree with anything they say or do (unless two members are in an argument over something, in which case whoever comes off as being more imposing and more likely to be mad at her if she disagrees with them usually gets her support). As such, she’s also incredibly non-confrontational and any time she perceives that she’s done something, anything wrong she will apologize without a second thought. Her other bad habits include being prone to rambling incessantly and slipping into incredibly convoluted logic if nobody shuts her up, and an odd tendency to bring up things that the rest of the Fashion Club consider to be gross (vomit, blood, that sort of thing). Despite all her flaws, Stacy isn’t really a bad person when it comes down to it. After all, she wouldn’t really have the guts to be anyway.
Am I lost? Oh no, I’m lost, aren’t I? This is really, really bad! I mean, as an assistant counselor at Camp Fashionable Youth Development I’m supposed to be setting a good example for all of the impressionable kids who’ve come a long way to learn about important stuff, like color coordination, proper hair care, and just how much of that glitter makeup stuff you can use before it just looks kind of tacky! But now here I am, lost in the grossest swamp ever, and I get the feeling I’m going to be really late. And while that would be okay if it were just fashionably
late, I think it’s going to be late
late, and I don’t think the counselors are going to be happy about that at all!
Oh god, what if they fire me? Like, I’ll find camp and they’ll take me to the head counselor’s office and she’ll say “Stacy, not only did you arrive to camp late and in a totally unfashionable manner, but you’ve also got swamp gunk all over your clothes and how are we supposed to educate these children when our own assistant counselor looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon? Would you want your
kid getting fashion tips from Swamp Girl? I didn’t think so. But you can always go work at the unpopular
fashion camp. You know, where the girls who like to burn things and are still into the grunge look go.” I’d just die if that happened! Oh, why can’t the earth just swallow me up right now?
Come on, Stacy, get a hold of yourself! Can’t freak out, freaking out is bad. Just take some nice, deep breaths and calm down. This is what all of those guidance counselor meetings were for, remember? Don’t think of it as a gross swamp that you’re lost in, think of it as... oh! As a nature hike! Remember how you used to love those when you were a kid? This is totally just another nature hike. With… oh, look at the cute squirrels over there! Perfectly cute squirrels having a perfectly cute lunch of… a wounded squirrel. And... and there's not-so-cute squirrel blood everywhere
and... look away, Stacy, look away! Focus on something else, something nice and normal, like… like…
… like trees! Lots of trees. That’s right, Stacy, ignore the creepy squirrels and focus on the pretty trees. That… um, might be moving and… talking? Oh god, one of them’s looking at me, must not freak out, can’t freak out, just smile and be polite to the nice, pretty tree… Um, thanks for the compliment! It’s nice of you to say that I look “real purty!” I’ve… well, I’ve never been complimented by a tree before, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say back, but… huh? Well, of course you’ve got wood, you’re a tree! Why wouldn’t you have – oh. Oh. Th-thanks for sharing? No, of course I'm flattered! Well, no, I don't know if we could go out sometime, I've got a camp to work at and you're a tree and I just don't know if we're compatible, so… um. Could you please maybe keep your branches to yourself? I'm really sorry and I'm not trying to be rude or a tease or anything, but I'm just not that kind of girl! So if you could just, you know, let go of me I would really appreciate it and... is that sap? Please tell me that's just sap.</i>
... hey, earth? I've changed my mind on the, um, "swallow me up" thing. Feel free to do it any second now. Please?((Annnd voting went here.))
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